schizophrenic

Pain.

It seems like colder weather makes everything worse. The pain I am suffering mentally is indescribable. I don’t really want to talk to anyone in person about it because I just feel like I am complaining and people already have enough to deal with… at least behind a computer screen I am just another person, faceless in the realm of endless possibilities, and no one can look at me like I am stupid and just complain too much.

It sucks to know that I am not working, and won’t be able to personally go to the store and pick stuff out for my kids with my own money… I am used to being more independent than this. But I can’t find a job.

Maybe it’s because I can’t focus at all on anything. Searching for a job. Nothing. Not even house cleaning anymore… like seriously it takes me 3 or 4 hours to finish the sweeping and mopping process… over a living room floor…

And my back. It HURTS so bad. It takes everything I have just to stand up from a chair. Not to mention lift a 25 pound 8 month old. I just am ready for life to be happy and a little bit easier!

If that day ever comes.

Really. What is the point?

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Schizophrenic? Or paranormal spiritualist?

I have spirits in my house. One of them, a little blonde girl, no more than 7 years old. She sits in my closet in my bedroom with her knees folded up to her chest, and her arms around her legs… she rocks back and forth. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she sings. “You touch me, and I don’t like it. I’m gonna kill you, but I don’t like it. I deserve better, but you don’t like it. La la la la la la la.”

I am sitting here in my living room at the computer, minding my own business. All of a sudden I hear the little girl scream.

#officiallyfreakedout

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